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Support someone with fertility problems by listening without trying to fix the situation, protecting their privacy and offering specific help. Let them choose whether to talk. Reliable support matters more than finding a perfect phrase or predicting how treatment will end.
This guide gives you example words to use and avoid, practical ways to help during IVF and the wait for a result, and where to find counselling and support in Australia.
Quick answers about supporting someone through infertility
How can I support someone with infertility?
Ask whether they would prefer company, practical help or a break from fertility talk. Offer one manageable task and accept their answer without expecting treatment updates in return. Keep making room for ordinary friendship.
Can emotional support or relaxation fix infertility?
Support and counselling can help someone cope with infertility. They cannot promise a pregnancy or replace medical care. You can listen without asking the person to relax or stay positive.
When should someone get additional emotional support?
Counselling is an option when someone wants more support, especially if distress affects daily life. Seek help immediately for suicidal thoughts. Call emergency services if there is immediate danger.
What to say to someone struggling with infertility
Begin with acknowledgement: “Thank you for telling me. Would you like to talk about how things have been?” Give them room to answer without asking for a diagnosis, treatment history or explanation of whose fertility is affected.
Listen rather than preparing your next suggestion. Silence and tears do not mean you need to solve something; they may want you to stay and listen. Let them change the subject.
Agree on privacy early: “Who else knows, and what are you comfortable with me sharing?” This includes appointment dates, results, screenshots and anything you might tell your own partner.
Use these example messages in your own words, and let the person’s response guide you.
How do you help when they do not know what they need?
An open-ended offer can leave someone with another decision to make. People may struggle to identify what would help or feel uncomfortable accepting it. Offer a small choice instead.
| They say | You could say | What to do |
|---|---|---|
| “I don’t know.” | “Would dinner dropped off or a short walk help this week?” | Offer two options, with no pressure to choose either. |
| “Not today.” | “Of course. We can leave it today.” | Accept the answer rather than rearranging the same offer. |
| “Please, no fertility talk.” | “That’s fine. Let’s talk about something else.” | Follow their lead without slipping in questions about results. |
Declining one offer does not necessarily mean declining the friendship. Keep ordinary invitations open unless they ask for space, and avoid treating a slow reply as a demand for more messages.
What not to say to someone with infertility
Comments that demand optimism or point out a supposed advantage can minimise what someone is experiencing. Replace the prediction or comparison with acknowledgement.
| Avoid saying | Why it can hurt | Try instead |
|---|---|---|
| “Just relax.” | Makes calmness sound like a treatment they have overlooked. | “You don’t have to put on a brave face with me.” |
| “At least you already have a child.” | Dismisses the difficulty of trying for another child. | “I understand this matters to you.” |
| “IVF will work eventually.” | Promises an outcome you cannot know. | “I’m here, whatever happens next.” |
| “Why don’t you adopt?” | Redirects a personal family-building decision. | “Would you like to discuss options, or would listening help more?” |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | Tries to explain away something painful. | “I’m sorry you’re facing this.” |
| “You’re young. You’ll be fine.” | Makes a promise without knowing their situation. | “I’m here to listen.” |
| “You can babysit mine!” | Turns their wish for a child into a joke. | “Would you like some company?” |
A 2025 review found links between anxiety, depression and pregnancy outcomes after IVF or ICSI, but it did not show that those feelings caused a treatment result. Its findings about stress were inconclusive. You cannot use this research to explain why your friend’s cycle did not work.
If they ask you to help read clinic figures, our guide to IVF success rates in Australia explains what those figures measure. Leave any estimate of their own chances to their treating team.
How to share pregnancy news and invitations sensitively
Tell them privately before a group announcement when possible. A short text gives them time to respond without an audience, unless they have expressed another preference.
For example: “I wanted you to hear from me before we tell everyone that I’m pregnant. I know this may bring up a lot. There’s no pressure to reply now.” Ask before sending scan photographs or regular pregnancy updates. Give them room for sadness or a quiet response without taking it as a judgement on your pregnancy or friendship.
A baby-shower invitation can stay simple: “You’re invited, and it’s completely okay to decline or decide closer to the day.” Do not quietly exclude them or require an explanation for staying away.
Ask which occasions they would like you to remember, such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or an anniversary of loss. At family gatherings, agree beforehand whether they would welcome help changing the subject when questions become intrusive.
What practical help is useful during IVF?
Learn a little before asking them to explain treatment. If they have shared what they are dealing with, our guides to female infertility and male fertility assessment can give you background. You do not need their test results or a theory about why they have not conceived.
Better Health Channel explains that in vitro fertilisation, or IVF, involves fertilising eggs with sperm outside the body. Treatment can involve hormone injections, egg collection and embryo transfer. The clinic sets the person’s schedule, so ask what help fits their appointments.
If they mention a trigger injection, the Ovidrel and trigger shot guide can help you follow the conversation. Reading about treatment does not mean you need to check their medicines or suggest a different plan. Keep your offer focused on what they have asked for.
Choose a task you can reliably take off their hands: groceries, laundry, childcare or pet care. Confirm what is needed and when, rather than leaving them to coordinate a larger gesture.
For appointments, ask whether they need transport, company or help taking notes. Before agreeing to collect someone after a procedure, check the clinic’s support-person requirements and allow for uncertain timing. If travel is involved, consider what needs covering at home as well as the journey.
During the wait for a result
Offer an ordinary activity without expecting them to feel cheerful or discuss symptoms. Reading the two-week wait after ovulation can help you understand the terminology without asking them to explain everything.
Leave the testing schedule with them and their clinic. If the clinic has advised a home test and they ask you to buy one, choose from the pregnancy test range. Use the test according to its instructions. There is no need to bring tests or ask about symptoms when they have not invited that help.
What to say after an unsuccessful IVF cycle
Acknowledge the news: “I’m so sorry this wasn’t the result you hoped for. Would you prefer company or some space?” Use the description they have shared. Let them describe what happened rather than assuming there was a pregnancy loss.
Let them raise the next attempt. If they ask for help after repeated unsuccessful cycles, our guide to questions after repeated IVF failure can help them prepare for a clinic review. Only share it if they want that information.
After miscarriage or another pregnancy loss
If they tell you about a pregnancy loss, acknowledge it without comparing how far along they were or pointing to a future pregnancy. Ask before arranging a memorial, public message or collection. Let them choose whether to remember an important date together. Red Nose’s loss support is listed below if they would like more help.
When someone pauses or ends treatment
Respect the decision without trying to reopen it. Ending treatment can bring grief, exhaustion, relief or a mixture of feelings. None requires you to suggest another clinic or route to parenthood.
You might say: “You don’t have to justify this to me. Would you like to talk about what comes next?” Keep including them in plans that do not depend on a future pregnancy.
How can partners share the emotional and practical load?
Different coping styles do not necessarily mean different levels of caring. One partner may need to talk while another wants quiet or concentrates on practical decisions. They may also need different amounts of time after disappointing news.
Agree who will handle appointments, questions and family updates. Preserve time for affection and shared interests unrelated to conception. Relationship counselling can help when communication or treatment decisions repeatedly become difficult.
Choose some time together when fertility is not the topic, such as a meal, a walk or an evening with a shared hobby. Make room for affection without expecting it to lead to sex. If you disagree about another cycle, give each other time to talk it through and consider counselling together.
Include the partner who is not undergoing procedures. For single people and LGBTQ+ families, ask whom they consider part of their support network rather than assuming a particular family structure. When supporting a couple, avoid carrying private messages between them.
Set limits you can keep as a supporter
Be clear about your availability: “I can talk this evening, but I won’t be able to answer during work tomorrow.” A reliable commitment is more useful than unlimited availability you cannot maintain.
If you need help with your own feelings, seek it separately. Supporting someone does not mean ignoring your wellbeing or asking them to reassure you about theirs.
What can colleagues and managers do?
Focus on practical work arrangements, not treatment details. Fertility appointments can be unpredictable. Depending on the role and workplace policy, discuss appointment flexibility, a temporary workload adjustment or one agreed contact for arrangements. Check whether an employee assistance program is available.
Agree what colleagues should know, and check policies rather than promising a leave entitlement. Keep questions about results out of shared spaces. Allow a discreet opt-out from baby celebrations without requiring a personal explanation.
Where to find fertility counselling and support in Australia
If they would like more help, ask their fertility clinic about counselling or suggest speaking with their GP. COPE explains that counselling can provide someone independent to talk to. Relationship counselling can help with communication and decisions. If distress keeps affecting daily life, further psychological or medical care may help.
The COPE Directory includes trying-to-conceive and grief-and-loss options. Check fertility experience, fees, referral requirements and availability before booking. In Hobart or regional Australia, ask whether phone or video appointments are offered.
Offer to find two suitable options or help make contact, with their agreement. Emotional support need not wait for the separate decision about when to seek fertility assessment.
If they ask for help comparing clinics, our guide to choosing a fertility specialist offers questions to take to an appointment. Let them decide which options they want to discuss.
Some people prefer talking with others who have been through fertility difficulties. Relationships Australia NSW points to support groups online and in person. If that appeals to them, ask the clinic about groups, who attends and how privacy is handled before sharing details. They can try a group and decide whether it suits them.
After miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a baby, Red Nose’s bereavement support is available on 1300 308 307, 24 hours a day.
When you are concerned about someone’s safety
If you are worried someone may be thinking about suicide, ask them directly and take their answer seriously. Seek help immediately. If their life is in immediate danger, call 000 and ask for an ambulance. Stay with them if it is safe to do so.
Lifeline is available on 13 11 14, 24 hours a day, including when you are worried about someone else.
Frequently Asked Questions about supporting someone with infertility in Australia
What is an appropriate gift for someone going through IVF?
Choose something based on their interests, such as a book or a voucher for an ordinary expense. Avoid gifts that assume a pregnancy or promise better fertility. A thoughtful message can be enough; support does not require a large budget.
How do I apologise after saying the wrong thing?
Name the mistake without defending your intentions: “I’m sorry I made light of this. I won’t use that phrase again.” Listen, change the behaviour and allow time rather than asking for immediate forgiveness.
How can I support someone when I live far away?
Arrange a call that suits their time zone, or help with one task they have asked you to research. Check before organising visitors or deliveries. Choose something you can manage without creating extra coordination for them.
Should I share my own fertility experience or a success story?
Ask whether hearing it would help, and keep it relevant. Share another person’s private experience only with permission. A story may offer connection, but it cannot predict someone else’s outcome or show which treatment they need.
Does support need to continue after a positive pregnancy test?
Yes. Ask how they feel and let them decide when to share the news. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby advises seeing a doctor or midwife after a positive home test. Our guide to first steps after a positive pregnancy test explains the Australian care pathway.
How can we support each other if we both have infertility?
You can care about your friend and still need space for your own feelings. COPE recognises that another IVF patient’s pregnancy can be painful when you are still trying. Agree what you each want to share, and say when you need a break from fertility talk. If one of you becomes pregnant, share the news privately and allow time to respond.
Next Steps in Australia
For a first counselling enquiry, you can help write down what they want support with and ask about fees, referral requirements and appointment format. Let them decide whether to send it themselves or have you beside them while they call.
General information: This article is for Australian consumer education and does not replace individual medical, counselling or mental health advice. Individual support decisions should be discussed with a qualified health professional when needed.
✓ Medically reviewed by Evan Kurzyp, RNLast reviewed Next review October 2027
References16 sources
Fertility2Family articles are researched using Australian Government health guidance, professional clinical recommendations and peer-reviewed medical literature. The references below were used to research and medically review this article on 15 October 2026 and provide additional reading for readers who want to read the evidence in more detail.
You can read how we research, write and check our health information in our editorial and medical review policy, and see who reviews our articles and their clinical credentials.
- Healthdirect Australia Suicide warning signs Australian guidance on recognising suicide concerns, asking directly, seeking immediate support and calling emergency services when someone is in immediate danger, while keeping yourself safe.
- Better Health Channel Assisted reproductive technology: IVF and ICSI Victorian Government consumer guidance on IVF and ICSI, including egg collection, fertilisation outside the body and embryo transfer.
- Pregnancy, Birth and Baby Pregnancy tests Australian consumer information on pregnancy tests, following device instructions and seeing a doctor or midwife after a positive home test.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Supporting someone experiencing infertility Australian guidance on listening without intrusive questions, avoiding unsolicited advice and sharing pregnancy news privately while allowing the other person space to respond.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Types of support available Australian information on counselling and psychological care for fertility-related distress, including support when distress affects daily life.
- IVFAustralia Good advice for supporting a friend with infertility Fertility counselling advice on confidentiality, attentive listening, changing support needs and apologising after insensitive comments, including considerations for social occasions and pregnancy announcements.
- Relationships Australia NSW How to Support a Friend Who Is Experiencing Infertility Practical guidance on household assistance, invitations and avoiding dismissive reassurance, with attention to difficulty accepting help and the emotional wellbeing of supporters.
- Fertility Support Australia How to Support a Fertility Warrior Community advice on asking about support preferences, staying in touch and remembering difficult occasions and loss anniversaries.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Involuntary childlessness Explains grief, exhaustion and possible relief when fertility treatment ends, and how involuntary childlessness can affect identity, relationships and hopes for the future.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Managing infertility, IVF and your relationship Guidance on different coping styles and emotional timelines during fertility treatment, maintaining shared interests, and seeking counselling when communication or shared decisions become difficult.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Managing infertility in your workplace Australian workplace guidance on unpredictable fertility appointments, practical flexibility and employee assistance options, helping managers consider support without requiring unnecessary disclosure of treatment details.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Find specialist services and support The COPE Directory provides pathways to emotional and mental health support, including search options for people trying to conceive and those experiencing grief or loss.
- Red Nose Australia Grief and Loss Support Bereavement support after miscarriage and baby loss, including help for family and friends and a telephone support line.
- Lifeline Australia Get Help Information about Lifeline’s confidential Australian crisis support, with telephone, text and online chat available at any time and emergency advice when life is in danger.
- Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) Impact of infertility and IVF on friendships and relationships Australian guidance on friendship strain during infertility, feelings when another IVF patient becomes pregnant, and setting limits around social contact and support.
- Journal of Assisted Reproduction and Genetics Effects of emotions on IVF/ICSI outcomes in infertile women: a systematic review and meta-analysis A 2025 review of associations between emotional distress and pregnancy outcomes after IVF or ICSI. The public abstract reports different findings for anxiety, depression and stress; it does not establish cause and effect.
